The Adoption Roller Coaster

Roller coasters:

They're fun, exhilarating, and terrifying all at the same time. There are a lot of highs. And a lot of lows. A lot of waiting.... And a lot of wishing that it was finally your turn.

This is the best way that I can describe adoption.  The emotional roller coaster. And the sad truth is that we're still only in line...

We've done a lot of research on this "roller coaster" and sometimes the journey seems so scary that we don't even want to go for the ride. And it's not just if we want to go on the ride, but also, what kind of ride do we want? Domestic? International? Foster?

There are so many options: each one just as scary as the other. Each one having its own appeal, but also, each one having that BIG, SCARY downside (or drop) that has us questioning all of our strengths and all of our courage.

I'm somewhere in the middle of feeling like I'm in line, waiting for it to finally be our turn, and knowing that once we're on the actual ride-- we'll be on that steep up hill climb that always goes so, so slow.

Then after the long, treacherous up hill climb, everything changes. You curve over that hill and......

DROP.

All your adrenaline rushes fast through your veins, and you can't tell if you scared shitless or beyond excited. The rest of the ride has you doing twists, turns, flips, ups, downs, and taking you in every different direction possible.

Some of it you hate:

And some of it you love:

Our different roller coaster options and my fears about each one:

(PS: I know at least one family that has done each one of these options. Please Note: These are my thoughts- and my fears alone. Don't assume that I'm making one sound better than the other - or discounting one option - or bashing another. Again, these are just all of my unedited, unfiltered thoughts that I somehow need to just lay out and ask for advice. Okay, here I go -- The good, the bad, and the ugly)

International Adoption- When Matt and I first decided that we would adopt, I was certain I wanted to go with international. My mindset was that there were millions of orphans around the world that needed a home, and we could give one of them a very happy and fulfilling life. Plus, I am fascinated with different cultures, traveling, and foreign languages. We'd have to travel at least twice to the country during the adoption process, and I knew I'd be that adoptive mom that would learn the language, cook the cuisine, and take yearly trips back to my baby's home country to keep them interested in their culture.

First, it was Bulgaria. Then, China. Then, Haiti. Then, Ethiopia. My mind changed a lot. Each country/program having different restrictions, laws, waiting periods, and fees. Some countries demanded the parents be married for at least five years. Others only allowed people over the age of 30. International adoption was by far the most expensive. Averaging $35,000 - sometimes up to 50K.

Matt was a bit skeptical with international adoption. Knowing that medical history wasn't as accessible, knowing that orphanages/agencies sometimes down right lied, international being the most expensive, and longest waiting time - all wrapped up with fact that almost every child was special needs in some way.

Not that we were totally close minded with special needs - just intimidated. AND most international programs were so time consuming that at youngest, you'd be able to adopt a toddler, if that. Unfortunately, most orphanages are so low staffed that babies cry, unattended in their crib, for hours and hours on end, with little to no comfort or attachments/relationships taking place. And anyone who has passed Psychology 101 will agree that the lack of attachment between infancy and the age of two can cause serious ramifications in a child's life. ie: Reactive Attachment Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, etc.

Scary, scary stuff. 

Again, NOT saying this happens in all international adoptions. It most definitely does not. These are my fears, and my fears alone, remember?

Domestic Adoption - We looked into domestic adoption through several different agencies. Two here in Wisconsin, one based out of California (that was nationwide), and the other based out of Texas. Domestic adoption, for lack of a better term, is our "safest" bet: we would likely know medical history, we could bring home our newborn from the hospital, build that relationship, trust, and attachment - we knew several reputable agencies (from other couples who have adopted), and most of the time-- it was less expensive than international adoption (totaling around $20,000-35,000). 

Depending on whether or not we chose to adopt from Wisconsin or another state- the birth mother could be completely out of the picture or very involved throughout our child's life. Almost all adoptions in the US are open adoptions. And how involved the birth mother wants to be is a case by case scenario. This scared me at first, but I grew more comfortable with it as time progressed.

Although, out of state adoption did have its benefits. We'd only have to email or write the birth mother vs. doing in person visits and other states had less time in between birth and termination of parental rights. In the state of Wisconsin, the average time frame for termination of parental rights is 30 days - meaning worst case: we could bring home baby Fennel for nearly a month, the birth mother could change her mind, and we would have no choice but to give our newborn back. 

Scary, scary stuff. 

Other states, like Texas and California, have a 48 hour window between birth and termination of parental rights - which always make out-of-state adoption high on our list of options.  

But I am going to speak very openly when I say that something about the domestic adoption process did not sit well with me.

At each agency, there were around 10-20 waiting families. Just waiting for a birth mother to pick them, so they could have their family. Some waiting periods were 6 months. Some were up to three years. None of them ever guaranteed that their family would be chosen. Ten to twenty families per agency and thousands of agencies all around the country. All the while, I know that there are starving children in orphanages around the world and hundreds of thousands of children in our own country that want nothing more than a just a place to call HOME. Someone to tuck them in bed at night. Kiss their "boo-boos" when they were hurt, and be there - to let them know that they are special. That they are loved.

***And I'm going to say this as delicately as I can. These are my opinions and my thoughts on what is best for our family. There is no wrong way to adopt. What fits best for us, may not fit best for you. And most importantly, my thoughts and statements are not meant to come off as judgmental.  And at the end of the day, each and every single adoption is absolutely beautiful.

After researching I found that: 

More than 250,000 children in the U.S. enter the foster care system every year. While more than half of these children will return to their parents, the remainder will stay in the system. Most of these children are living with foster families, but some also live in group facilities

So a quarter of a million children enter foster care every year ---- every. single. year.   Half go back to their families, and half stay in the system until (if/or when) they are adopted. So each year - 125,000 children are deemed "wards of the state" or "legally free."

Knowing this sad fact- how could I possibly sit back and wait three years on a single chance that we'd be chosen to pay around $30,000 for baby when thousands of them are homeless and also waiting themselves?!

Which brings me to our next option....

Foster to Adopt- The most risky of them all. Let me be the first to say that I didn't even consider this option in the beginning.  And because of that, this is the one I know least about.


What I do know: The number one goal in foster care is reunification with the birth family. Children are placed in foster care for a number of reasons: their parents could be addicted to drugs, in prison, deemed unfit, unhealthy, etc., etc. etc. - a multitude of different reasons.

Going off of the statistics above, half of the children placed in foster care will never go back to their birth family - leaving them available for adoption That's when "foster to adopt" kicks in. Typically the foster family (if interested) will have the first option to adopt that child once termination of parental rights are in place.

(And this is the part where I'm more so "guessing" from my own research)

The way I understand it is:

Once a family applies to be a foster family they can specify the age of children, the number of children, and the "situation" that they are most comfortable with. For instance: if Matt and I were to seriously do this -- we would only be open to an infant who has a strong chance of being placed up for adoption.

The good news: We could potentially be placed with a healthy newborn within weeks of getting licensed. That child could grow up in our home and we could eventually adopt him/her (with little to no cost) and live happily ever after.

The scary, scary stuff: weekly visits with the birth mother/family, court dates (LOTS of court dates), last second placements ("We have a newborn who needs a home now AKA come pick him up tonight"), the unknown, and - most of all? Foster care's number one goal - reunification (having a child for possibly years then having him/her placed back with their birth family). I mean, obviously, yes - that's the scariest of them all. The optimist's point of view? There is always another child who will need a home.

When I first considered the foster to adopt process, I thought to myself: There is no way I could do that. I'd get way too attached, and saying goodbye would just destroy me.

And part of that is true. I would get attached and the goodbye would be very hard, but one blog post changed my entire perspective: Click here to read it.

Sparknotes version? Attachment is the point. Unlike orphanages around the world, the United States uses the foster care system for that exact reason: attachment. A child needs that bond, that love, that relationship, that attachment. Foster care parents are not some super humans that prevent themselves from falling in love. On the contrary, they absolutely do. But a child needs that, and foster parents know it. They put the childrens' needs above their own emotions every. single. day. to give them a better opportunity, a better future, a better life.

Like I said, it changed my entire perspective. It tossed everything I previously thought I wanted out the window. Some foster families prefer to only be temporary placements. Others become licensed in hopes to permanently adopt. Obviously, ours would be the latter.

Speaking of blogs: Would you be surprised to know that I follow my fair share of bloggers. Surprisingly so, 5 out of 6 of them are adoptive families. Even more so, they all adopted in different ways. If you're ever looking for another blog to follow, I highly encourage these (some of them haven't posted in awhile --- and DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME!):

Adding a Burden - International adoption (Russia) and Infertility
Finding MeiMei - International Adoption (China)
Coffee Cup of Thoughts - Domestic Adoption and International Adoption (Uganda)
And That Makes Three - Foster to Adopt
The Lewis Note - Foster to Adopt

Some of you may be wondering why I'm sharing all of this. A couple reasons:

Again, writing is self therapeutic for me. So as I'm explaining all of my thoughts to you, I'm also clarifying my thoughts for me. But also and equally as important, I wrote this to let everyone know:  

I have no idea what I want. 

Calling me indecisive would be an understatement. For the past month or so, I have been sold on Foster to Adopt. The month before that: Domestic. A couple months before that: International. It's a viscous cycle; my mind is constantly changing. My closest friends and darling husband can attest to this SO MUCH.

Speaking of Matt: he is so go with the flow. He has his opinions, and his preferences - but he also allows me to explore each and every option and blab on and on about why "this option is the perfect choice for us!" (for the month).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my indecisiveness is solid proof that we just aren't ready yet. In the beginning, and even sometimes now, I'm shocked that we even have to ask ourselves these kind of questions: 

International? Foster? Domestic? Open adoption? Regular visits? Age? Sex? Special needs? What country? Which agency? Out of state? How? When? How much? Are we open to conception from rape? Drug exposure? What kind of drugs? STDs? What kind of STDs? Family psychological issues? What kind of ----   I think you get it.

And speaking honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. After all we've been through and how much we've grown, I absolutely love the fact that someday we will adopt. Until then, I will update you as things progress and share all of my unedited and unfiltered thoughts here.

Right after our first fertility appointment in August 2013 I bought myself a journal. I poured my heart out in my entries: every single raw and broken-heart emotion. And around a year ago - I finished.

 Today, I started again.

Also

One thing is certain-  I may not know which scary roller coaster I want to ride, but this I know for sure:

There is no one else I'd rather have by my side and holding my hand.

I love you, Matthew